Self-Soothing

The ability to self-soothe starts to form practically from birth. Look at the behaviors of an infant and you can see the efforts to calm or comfort ourselves – sucking a thumb, attaching to an object, repetitive movements. While this is fascinating to look at for children, my focus is on adults, so let’s turn our attention to how this looks later in life. 

Soothing or Nervous Habits

First, we want to acknowledge the difference between nervous habits – biting your nails, bouncing your leg, picking at your skin. You can quickly see we approach a fine line between these areas. An example would be twirling your hair – I tend to make the distinction between self-soothing and nervous habit by the energy that’s put into the activity – anxious energy or calming energy. You can see how rapidly twirling your hair has an anxious energy to it, while gently, slowly twirling rhythmically could have a calming effect. This isn’t about putting behaviors in the correct category, it’s about what the effect is for you as an individual.

Value of Self-Soothing

Second, what is the value of self-soothing? Our society has become consumed with feeling anxious or having anxiety and I’ve seen a massive trend toward people making this part of their identity, “I’m an anxious person.” The value of self-soothing is how it enhances our ability to gently maintain emotion regulation. What does this look like for you? Is it reassuring, positive affirmations ‘I’m ok.’ ‘I’ve got this.’, intentional breathing techniques, taking a bath, meditation, petting your dog or cat, journaling, mindful awareness, rest, a cup of tea? 

What Works for Me?

Third, how do I find what works for me? If you are having trouble identifying how you self-soothe – or don’t think you do this well, the time is now to try different options and see what gives you the desired effect. It may be helpful to use a measure. Just ask yourself how you would rate your emotional state (10 is extremely tense and 1 is completely relaxed). If you are at a 5 or above try a self-soothing option and then rate it again. It depends on your starting point, but a decrease in your rating of at least two points may indicate this is a good option for you.