Friends?

Many of us have had friendships we needed to end. The signs are there – their behaviors are unhealthy, toxic, disrespectful. What I have observed over the years is that many factors go into whether we create more distance in the friendship – not responding as often to texts or calls, not initiating or agreeing to get togethers – or whether we actually communicate that we are terminating the friendship. 

1) How long we have known them. 

People who live in the same area often are still in contact with friends they’ve known since childhood. Think how much you have changed since you were little. It’s a marvel when a friendship can evolve in a healthy way to include acceptance of who we become as an adult. Unfortunately, it doesn’t always work that way. We may find that our values, interests, habits are too different to sustain the bond. Depending on what the issue is, we may have enough history that creating distance, rather than ending the friendship is a better route.

2) How much your lives are intertwined.

When the difficulties are with your kid’s best friend’s parent, that can be complicated. You are often connected by an activity, sport, friend group, etc. Other examples of this are co-workers or neighbors. These are not simple situations and if you choose to end the friendship, there may be ripple effects you want to consider before making that choice.

3) The severity of the issues.

There is a big difference between rare behaviors and patterns of behavior. We want to be people who give each other the benefit of the doubt. If a friend says something that hurts your feelings – look at it in the context of the person you know them to be and if it doesn’t fit, then let them know what they said hurt and be ready to forgive a misstep. Unfortunately, when it’s a pattern, especially one you have pointed out or that indicates inflexible character, beliefs or values then it may be time to ask yourself if this is a healthy person to have in your life. Are you excited to have time with them or do you dread it? Can they hear feedback?